Blacked Out
Blacked Out
It's A Beautiful Day And You're Stuck Inside With Somebody Else's Demons
Sometimes, the reason for living is breathing down the back of your neck.
This song came utterly out of nowhere in 2013. I blurted the words out as I thought them while Ryan played guitar in the neighbouring room. When we started recording, neither of us had any chords, melodies or lyrics in mind. We were both mic'ed and the end result is the first and only take.
The melody is haphazard and I barely maintained it throughout the piece, but I love it for that reason. I have some of the lyrics written down in a shiny green notebook I’d been using since my 29th birthday. I scrawled a cryptic dedication to Alan Ginsberg on the first page. The book is now full - about 200 pages (both sides) of handwritten lyrics and dreams. Several more notebooks have followed. Full to the brim with creative paraphernalia.
We chose to celebrate a completely random November weekend by getting extra high, and recording in our living room. The result was an entire album - and my personal pride and joy - Jimmy’s Dead. The record is wild, unbridled, and entirely improvised, with no live drums: for the first time ever, we recorded alongside a vintage drum machine.
The lyrics, some of which were recorded separately on a vintage typewriter, appear at first glance to be autobiographical. Many songwriters will tell you we write about absolutely everything and everyone - not just ourselves - but in the case of Blacked Out (and its evil twin sister, “Reason For Living”) the words speak very closely from my own experiences.
Looking back at them today, however, I can see one very obvious pop culture reference to Laura Palmer's face. “I can’t sleep! I keep seeing her face. Watching her eyes as she summons my fate.”
I had to inject something creepy and pop-culturally significant into this intimate little ballad. At one of my favourite points in Blacked Out, I tell Ryan "you can change chords" through my mic and he randomly chooses a new direction for the song to follow. I am forced to follow suit, and spit out some Twin Peaks-inspired truths. It's a beautiful moment that reveals a lot about our unique songwriting dynamic.
This is a love song.
These are both love songs.
They’re about me and my initially one-sided and secret longtime love affair with a handsome musician I never thought I'd meet.
There is a brief mention of my youthful alcoholic days, of the psychedelic haze in which I found myself for many years, and of my burgeoning feminist independence at the dawn of my 20’s.
All the while, love - my reason for living - was breathing down the back of my neck.
There he was, waiting at the end of a dark tunnel.
He’d been there all along.
Reason For Living
too tired to write
eyes hurt from cryin'
cryin’
never a reason to create
wonder why i'm not spontaneous?
could it be that i'm just broke?
better not climb on top
or you will topple us both
mind is melting from the fire
of thoughts and the sun
desire
tonight's the night
when i will meet you
saw you first in my dreams
at last i'll touch you
i moved to the city
so i could find you
found love instead
that's not my fault
and it never compared to you
in the bars every night
drinking with losers
i won the fight
between what is wrong
and what feels right
wrote your name and your number
on a bathroom stall
so i could remember
but i blacked out that night
i woke up and i knew
i was different now
didn't need a guy to give me
reason to live
reason to live
sometimes the reason for living
is breathing down the back of your neck
if you're too busy looking at your feet
you'll be tripping us both
over invisible wires (you can change)
i can't sleep keep seeing her face
watching her mouth
as it summons my fate
sorry my darling
can't write much more
my wrist is too sore
my wrist is too sore
please don't leave
before you say goodbye
say goodbye